Reasons My Son Is Crying

Wife: “You boys should work on Christmas lists today.”

Me: “Maybe I’ll make my list too…. Let’s see…. what do I want…. Love…. Respect…. Hugs-“

12yo: “Dad. You won’t be getting any of those things from us.”

Yet another misleading internet product. Squirrel feeder? I think not.

THANKS FOR RUINING MY MOTHER’S DAY PRESENT, CHIPMUNK.

**Helping kids get their lunches together**

Me: “Okay, here’s a wrap for you.”

11yo: “Yes! Let’s hear it! Will it be on the same level of one of Eminem’s orrrrr….”

“Why would I want to listen to all of Bach’s churros?!?”

11 year old, on day 3 of listening to the Bach Brandenburg Concertos numbers 1-6.

Me: “How was your first day back at school after Thanksgiving? Did you walk right up to the biggest bully in school and say ‘How was your turkey?!’”

12yo:

Me:

12yo:

Me: “Who is the biggest bully in school anyway?”

12yo: “You are.”

Me: “Well, maybe if you weren’t such a DWEEBAZOID I wouldn’t have to bully you so much.”

12yo: “How was your turkey?”

10yo: “I need a hat.”

Me: “Well, we’ll have to ask Uncle Wally to knit you one.”

10yo: “But does he have any black yarn? How can I maintain my tough-guy image with PEPPERMINT?”

My 10yo made me go with him into a mall store just so he could make a punny bathroom joke about the store’s name to the person working there.

“Excuse me, do you have a bathroom? Because I have to go VERA BRADLEY.”

The heart, it swells with pride.

***Three boats full of Disney characters come by, 10yo ignores them***

***Boat full of drummers comes by, 10yo waves***

10yo: “You see, I wave at people who KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING - not just some crazy people sweating to death inside animal costumes.”

My 10yo just casually mentioned that the Tostitos logo contains two people dipping a chip into salsa. HOW HAVE I NEVER EVER NOTICED THIS???

And how are you all doing on syrup, Denny’s? Need me to loan you some? You know, just until the 15th?